Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

So it's happening with a vengeance now....my hair is falling out in droves. I tried preparing myself, but it was no use. How do you prepare yourself for losing part of your identity?
Yesterday I noticed a few strands more than usual when I ran my fingers through my hair. Then I noticed that I could actually pull out strands. It had begun.
It's only hair, I know. And if this is all I lose in this fight, God knows I will take it. But you start to reflect upon what your hair has meant to you. I have had long hair for most of my 35 years. Hair that grazed my butt, was pulled into tight ass pig tails by my great-grandmother all through elementary school....the kind of pig tails that made your head hurt long after you took them out! My hair made me fear the brush. Not only because of snarls, but because that could give you a mean wallop on the butt if you tried to get away from whoever was wielding it! I got gum in it once, and learned my lesson as my mother slicked peanut butter on it in the washroom of our old house. Swimming in middle school gym was always a delight. I would have five minutes to change and get to class which resulted in me putting paper towels behind my desk chair to collect the puddle of water that dripped non-stop throughout social studies class. Being a blond, I had to worry about it turning green every summer from the chlorine of our pool. I fought my parents tooth and nail to get bangs, and finally won in 10th grade. I can still remember lying with my head over Donna Doupe's sink as her mom sat with scissors asking "You sure?" I was so excited to finally be part of the 90s crew. Now, looking at my senior picture, I wish I lost that fight with parents. Bangs were not my thing. Then I did the drastic "Rachael" cut my senior year (which I eluded to in yesterday's post) and was asked by my crush "did you lose a bet?" Talk about hair being a huge part of your identity. If I could have glued my hair back on, I would have in an instant!
Who knew hair could have its own story? But that's what I realized yesterday as I was starting to lose it. My hair was a part of me, it is a part of me, and I was losing it. And I tried to make light of it last night and have fun with it. I got some head scarves from my sister Kathryn. I asked for them and she got me two beautiful ones. We pulled out the directions and proceeded to have a ton of fun making me look like Steve Van Zandt, a pirate, Rosie the Riveter, you name it. I smiled, I laughed, and I looked in the mirror at my hair tucked up under a scarf and just my eyes staring back at me. Could I get used to this? It wasn't a "could" question, it was a "I have to get used to it." This would be my new normal.
We planned a family picture specifically for this weekend because my hair was supposed to be intact for the most part at this point. I didn't wash my hair, for fear that it would aggravate it and make more of it fall out. I plugged in the curling iron, as I had done hundreds of times before, and prepared to curl it for what would probably be the last time for a while. I wound each section around the barrel, and watched as multiple strands fell onto my lap as I let the curl set. I stifled back tears. The ends of my short bob that I had cut to get myself ahead of the cancer, were straggly. All it would take was a touch of my hand, and out more would come. But I put on my makeup, and smiled for the camera hoping all the while that I wasn't shedding like a long-haired cat!
They say I will know when it is time to shave her all off and call it a day. I'm not there yet. I had such thick hair that I'm getting to say a long goodbye. Am I ok with it? No, I'm not going to lie. I look at my baby boy Sam and wonder will he recognize me? Will I scare him? But I know that the answer is no. He will always recognize my smell, my eyes, and my voice. Cancer isn't taking that from me. And heck, maybe Sam and I will look more alike when we both have bald heads.
As they were snapping pictures today and everyone was working to get Sam to smile, I realized this is just another chapter in my hair's story. I'm not losing my identity, it's just temporarily changing. And you know what? I got this!