Freedom and Remission

Today I woke up and looked out the window. The sun was shining....my friend Michelle was working her magic from above. I had a feeling it was going to be a good day. I had my PET scan scheduled for 9:15 a.m. and knew this was going to be the definitive line telling me where I was at in my fight. Was there cancer still in my liver? Or did it totally respond to the chemo? There was a lot of weight in this test, a lot was on the line. I couldn't dwell on it, I just had to put on the brave face and do the test. I would deal with whatever outcome happened. I knew I had the most tremendous support system ready to catch me if I fell. It was go time. Time to find out if all the fight I gave for the past four months had worked.
I gave the nurse my vein and watched as the radioactive dye was pushed into my body. Just another chemical to charge through my body in this journey. I chose to go alone to this test. It is a long one, and I didn't have a follow-up appointment with my doctor. I wanted to do this myself. See myself through and take cancer one on one.
For those of you that aren't familiar with a PET scan, it is somewhat complex. You are injected with radioactive dye (and told you can't love up your child for 24 hours because of it). Then you are put in a dark room, on a reclining chair for an hour while the dye metabolizes in your body. I learned my lesson from the last PET scan. I brought my music and headphones, got under a warm blanket and shut my eyes. I visualized a healthy liver. I said my prayers. I listened to my songs. I prayed. I repeated over and over again "I am healthy. I am cancer-free." I was determined to win this fight.
Finally, the technician came to get me. I was instructed to remove my necklaces and meet him in the room. I looked in the mirror as I took off my Pooh necklace with the quote about how strong and brave I was. This has been a part of me since the beginning of my fight. Then I took off my "You are my sunshine" necklace that I got from the Stella and Dot fundraiser my friends gave me. This is the song I sing to my Sammy every day. He smiles every time. As I took off the necklace I thought of Sam and his blue eyes. He is everything I am fighting for. "I am healthy" I repeated to myself. I had to be.
My body has been achy as of late. My back, my neck both have been bothering me tremendously. I convinced myself this was from becoming active again and riding in a car this weekend for 10 hours. But of course, in the back of my mind, I was worried about metastasis. I shook the thoughts from my head and laid on the board to go into the machine. The technician told me it would be about 17 minutes. He told me to close my eyes and let the machine do the work. I closed my eyes as I was entering the tube and took a deep breath. This was it. Body don't betray me now.
The 17 minutes weren't as long this time. Back in December when I had the first PET scan, it seemed like days that I was laying there. This time, it was almost like I meditated my way through it. When it was over, I put my necklaces back on and prayed for strength. I put my "Welcome Sunshine" hat back on and left Brittonfield, anxious about what I would hear from my doctor later in the day.
Hours dragged on, as I waited for the phone to ring. I couldn't hold my baby boy, who was ecstatic to see me when I came through the door and was refusing to sleep. It was as if he knew that Mommy was waiting on something big. He wanted to come to me, to hold me and let me know it would be ok, but the damn Cancer made that impossible....once again.
I arranged to have a massage to keep my mind occupied and to try and relax in some way. I arrived at the day spa and explained to the masseuse that if my phone rang, I had to take it. I was embarrassed that I was looking like a arrogant brat, but she understood. She worked on my back and my neck and believe me there were more knots than a knotty pine tree in my body. I was somewhat relieved that she felt the knots and could work them out....that they weren't tumors. Everytime my phone made a noise I tensed up and jumped off the table. After about 70 minutes, finally I heard the phone actually ringing. The masseuse handed me the phone and I said, "Wish me luck!" as she walked out of the room. The voice on the other line was my nurse, Amanda. I love Amanda. She's been there for me since the beginning of this journey, handing me tissues when I needed them, laughing at my inappropriate jokes, and patting me on the shoulder whenever I needed some reassurance. Her voice sounded upbeat. She started to tell me the results and I heard the words "There is no new disease." This made me sigh in relief. Then she got to the liver. She explained that the liver was not glowing. Not at all. In a PET scan, organs "glow" if they have cancer cells. Back in December my liver was glowing at a rating of 5. This scan showed no glow.....NO GLOWING! I laid there, shocked and in disbelief. I repeated the words to Amanda. "No glowing?" I couldn't believe it. My liver was clear. No cancer. NO CANCER ANYWHERE! I had beat it!!! My hard work, my positive attitude, the prayers, the love....it had all worked. I was cancer-free. I told Amanda to hug Dr. Cherny for me. I was ecstatic.
I hung up the phone and laid there marveling. Had I really done this? Had my doctor really done this for me? The masseuse came back in, I looked at her and said "I just beat stage IV cancer! I'm living! I did it!" All I could think of was telling my parents, my husband, my sisters, my aunts. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs. I wanted to squeeze my baby boy....my reason for going on.
I finally got to my car and called up my husband. He answered and I could hear Sam squealing in the background. I asked him to get my parents. I yelled, "I'm in remission! I'm cancer-free!" Bill started crying, my mom was wailing. Sam...still squealing! I drove as fast as I could to get to them. Once home, my mom met me at the door with tears in her eyes and champagne glasses. Bill was holding Sam who kissed me and smiled in delight. Dad came downstairs and said, "Hi baby" then held me and raked back sobs.
I took in the moment. I felt the love. I heard the happiness. I smelled the delight. I relished in the moment. This was my moment. My life was given back to me. I know I didn't fight any harder than anyone else. I had seen cancer destroy lives. I had lost my friend in the past few days due to it. I had woken up this morning determined, and I had received the answer I had prayed for for months. I was cancer-free.
My fight is far from over. I know that this cancer is as aggressive as they come. There is a strong chance it will come back. I have been warned of this. But that doesn't mean I stop living and wait for it to come back. I do anything but. I can make plans now. I can survive and flourish. I have been given a second chance, and I have know doubt that my friend Michelle has a lot to do with it. As do the thousands of prayers that have been said for me, the novenas, the positive vibes, the happy energy sent my way. It has all been an integral part in my role as a "survivor." I am amazed by myself. I am amazed by all of you who have been there for me through the ups and downs of all of this. I will continue to fight, to stay positive, to get my life back. Tomorrow, Sam and I are going to the Livestrong program at the Y. I will meet with other survivors and fighters, I will share my wonderful news. We will all work together to regain our strength, get our lives back, be alive.
When it is all said and done, I will look into my baby boy's eyes and see everything I have been through. I will see the retching, the painful nights, the IVs, the sleepless nights....and it will all be worth it. I know now what life is about and how precious it is. I looked at Sam tonight while everyone was raising their glasses to toast my survival. I whispered to him, "I will be here to dance with you at your wedding." He smiled. I smiled. Thanks to you all, I got this!